New Trail Race in Boulder!


# # For Immediate Release # #


April 1, 2011

Boulder, Colorado – Boulder Trail Runners is pleased to announce the creation of a new trail race to be held in Boulder’s Open Space and Mountain Parks. Long thought to be totally impossible due to extremely restrictive regulations, the news was welcomed with surprise and delight by members of the running fraternity.

“This is so cool,” exclaimed Jim Shortz, local computer programmer and homeless person. “Now I just hope I can get in.”

Entry into the inaugural Goshawk 50, named after a bird that doesn’t live here, but theoretically could, is typical of many ultra’s in the country nowadays. You can’t get in unless you sleep with the Race Director.

“We have an entry limit of 8 runners” explained RD Eben G Fine. “After we satisfied the environmental requirements, that’s all we could have.” The resultant Entry Fee of $4,375 is considered somewhat steep, but race officials assure the runners they can have all the orange quarters, banana slices, and pretzels they want, and the t-shirts are really nice, even though they will run out of your size.

“The course is outstanding,” announced Course Marshall Barb Dwyer. “It will start in the a PRA (Passive Recreation Area), go to an HCA (Habitat Conservation Area), cross thru two AA’s (Agriculture Areas), and end in a NA (Natural Area). That’s the first lap. Then you will need a permit for part of the next HCA, but not the NA, except in areas that HSA’s (Highly Suitable Habitat), unless there’s a Seasonal Closure in effect, in which case you can’t go there at all. No dogs are allowed, except in the places they are, and only if they have a Green Tag, unless they don’t need one in that area, which is all but two trails, and one in which you don’t, unless that gets changed tomorrow, which it might.”

None of this is marked of course, as signs harm the environment, so racers are required to know the regulations, or be fined $2,000. In order to preserve the pristine natural environment, there will be 17 Rangers on patrol, in 6 pickup trucks, with two helicopters circling overhead. All entrants will be issued a simple course map, which is 3′ x 5′ and weighs four pounds.

“It was a little tough getting the permit approved,” lamented RD Ernest Greenman. “Logic, fairness, community spirit; none of it had any bearing. I finally gave up, figuring only an act of God could make this happen.”

This indeed was the case. The Lord Almighty, after famously letting Job fend for himself, took pity of the endless suffering of His running minions, and finally stepped in.

“It took me 7 days to create the entire Cosmos”, the Ruler of Heaven and Earth intoned, in His impressively sonorous voice. “But it took me 6 friggin’ years to get this done. Unbelievable. Satan himself is a nice guy compared with those SOB’s”.

The hurdles were difficult indeed. “We had to satisfy numerous environmental requirements,” related environmental coordinator Wile E Coyote. “Turns out one section of a trail ‘bifurcated a bluegrass colony’. We had no idea what the f*** that meant. Another section crossed a seasonal rivulet. In order to protect the riparian habitat we had to destroy it, building a 50′ long concrete and timber bridge.”

An almost insolvable dilemma was how to “mitigate” a Prairie Dog colony. Listed as an Endangered Species because they had almost died out due to Bubonic Plague caused by overpopulation, the event was almost cancelled until Chris Gerber volunteered to go up there and strangle each and every one of the furry little rodents with his bare hands.

Communications Director George Stayontopothis is very excited about how the actual event is shaping up.

“The Women’s Field is stacked,” he exclaimed.

“Lisa Goldsmith remains questionable to start, because it’s unclear if her Kombucha tea will be ready to drink in time, and Darcy Africa can’t do the race because the location is too convenient and close to home. Kari Fraser could do well here, except she’s allergic to sunlight and can only run when it’s cold, dark, and the trails are solid ice. Stephanie Ehret obviously has the talent, except she’s recently switched to ultra-knitting.”

“The likely winner then, is Maria Petzold, who told me she swears she is going to crush everyone like an ant, and that everyone should be nicer.”

The Men’s Field is well, hung. That’s because many of the top men couldn’t make it: Tony Krupicka is attempting to break his own world record of most-foot-injuries-suffered-while-wearing-minimalist-shoes; Geoff Roes is hunting wolverines in Alaska; Dave Mackey is doing something no one can figure out in California; Dakota Jones is having his tonsils removed; and Scott Jurek is worried Maria might beat the crap out of him.

This would leave the field wide open for Dan Brillion (that’s pronounced “Brion” for you non-europhiles), except Dan is “not an ultrarunner”, as verified by the full page ad he recently took out in the New York Times. Except, when he is. Which apparently, is not now. Unless it turns out it is. But don’t get the wrong idea.

The favorite then is Andy Skurka, who plans to beat everyone by hiking the entire course, and make up time by skipping the aid stations while carrying all his own food, and then rafting down Bear Creek, which he discovered after 6 months of planning, does not require a permit.

Honorary Starter for the race will be Buzz Burrell, chosen because of the amazing something or another that he supposedly once did … somewhere … so long ago that nobody can’t quite remember what it was … or even if it happened at all.





8 Responses to “New Trail Race in Boulder!”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Outstanding! ajw

  2. runuphill Says:

    Buzz, you are simply brilliant! I’m still laughing my ass off.

    Mindy and I are ready to sign up.


  3. Anita Says:

    Funny as hell!

  4. Buzz Says:

    Excellent! Looks like we’ll have a strong field …

  5. Stefan Says:

    Awesome!!! Read it a week late, but was chuckling or outright LOLing the whole way through. So many relevant things you poke fun of in there! 😀

  6. Aaron O'Connor Says:

    Sorry to leave an unrelated comment, but I couldn’t find any contact info on the blog. I’m wondering if you accept guest posts. Please drop me an e-mail.



  7. 11 webmail login Says:

    On every occasion I try to access the page, this message appears: “403 Forbidden – You don’t have permission to access / on this server. Additionally, a 500 Internal Server Error error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.” I’ve never encountered a problem like this before; is it through some mistake of mine, or possibly is there something wrong with the blog itself?

  8. Nathan Gray Says:

    This is, amazing 🙂 Seriously; it’s amazing. Unless it’s not… which it isn’t… (not).

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